Anxiety Doesn’t Always Look Like Anxiety: What Parents of Struggling Readers Should Know

Guest post by Dr. Dana Lipsky, Psy.D., licensed clinical psychologist and founder of Metropolitan Psychological Services PLLC

When a child struggles with reading, the challenge isn't always limited to sounding out words, reading fluently, spelling, or understanding what they've read. Over time, struggling with something that seems to come more easily to classmates can affect how a child feels about reading—and how they see themselves as a learner.

As a parent, you may notice that reading homework has become a battle. Your child complains, gets distracted, rushes through the assignment, becomes upset when corrected, or insists that they simply “hate reading.”

It can be easy to assume that a child is being unmotivated or difficult.

But sometimes, anxiety doesn't look like anxiety.

When “I Hate Reading” May Mean “Reading Is Hard for Me”

Imagine being asked to do something every day that feels much harder for you than it does for everyone around you.

Your classmates seem to read quickly while you have to stop and sound out words. You work so hard to decode a sentence that, by the time you reach the end, you've forgotten how it started. You're worried the teacher might call on you to read aloud.

After enough experiences like these, reading can begin to feel like more than an academic challenge. It can become something a child anticipates with worry.

They may be thinking:

What if I get it wrong?

Why can everyone else do this?

What if people think I'm not smart?

Please don't make me read out loud.

Eventually, “I don't want to read” may actually mean “I don't want to feel the way I feel when I struggle with reading.”

Anxiety Doesn't Always Look Like Worry

Children don't always have the words to say, “I'm anxious because reading is difficult for me.”

Instead, parents may see the anxiety through their child's behavior.

A child who is anxious about reading might:

• Avoid reading aloud

• Rush through reading assignments

• Guess at words rather than trying to sound them out

• Frequently say, “I don't know”

• Become very upset when corrected

• Give up quickly when something is difficult

• Constantly ask, “Is this right?”

• Suddenly need a snack, bathroom break, or sharpened pencil when reading begins

• Become distracted or change the subject

• Make jokes or act silly when work gets challenging

• Become angry or argumentative during homework

• Say that reading is “boring” or “stupid”

• Become perfectionistic or afraid of making mistakes

• Complain of headaches or stomachaches before school

• Avoid school or activities involving reading

• Compare themselves negatively with siblings or classmates

• Say things like “I'm stupid,” “I'm a bad reader,” or “I can't do this.”

Of course, any one of these behaviors doesn't necessarily mean your child is anxious. But when you notice a consistent pattern surrounding reading or schoolwork, it's worth becoming curious about what's underneath it.

Avoidance Can Look Like a Lack of Motivation

This is an especially important distinction for parents.

Your child gets out of their chair five times during reading homework. They complain. They argue.

They stare out the window. They refuse to attempt a difficult word.

It can certainly look like:

“My child just doesn't want to try.”

But sometimes children care so much about getting the answer right that trying—and possibly failing—feels threatening.

Think about the emotional difference between:

“I couldn't do it because I wasn't trying.”

and

“I tried as hard as I could and still couldn't do it.”

For a child who is beginning to doubt their abilities, not trying can actually feel safer.

Avoidance, procrastination, silliness, anger, and even apparent indifference can sometimes be ways of protecting themselves from embarrassment, frustration, or the fear of failure.

Listen for “Reading Is Hard” Becoming “I'm Not Smart”

Pay close attention to the language your child uses to describe themselves.

There's a big difference between:

“Reading is hard for me.”

and

“I'm stupid.”

The first describes a skill that is currently difficult.

The second describes how your child is beginning to see themselves.

Repeated struggles can lead children to make much bigger conclusions:

I'm not smart.

Everyone else is better than me.

I'm bad at school.

I'll never be able to read.

When you hear these statements, resist the urge to immediately respond with, “That's not true!

You're so smart!”

Instead, get curious.

“It sounds like reading has been making you feel that way. Tell me about it.”

Then help your child separate the difficulty from their identity:

“Reading is really hard for you right now. But having a hard time learning to read doesn't tell us how smart you are. It tells us that we need to figure out what kind of support will help you learn.”

Confidence Often Comes From Competence

Parents understandably want to build their child's confidence. But reassurance alone isn't always enough.

Telling a struggling reader, “You're a great reader!” may not feel believable when their daily experience tells them otherwise.

Instead, confidence often grows from competence—seeing themselves develop skills they didn't have before.

For children with reading weaknesses, explicit, systematic reading instruction can provide concrete strategies for skills such as:

• Phonological and phonemic awareness

• Phonics and decoding

• Spelling

• Fluency

• Morphology and understanding meaningful word parts

• Vocabulary

• Reading comprehension

Approaches grounded in the Science of Reading and Structured Literacy, including approaches such as Orton-Gillingham, can help make reading feel more understandable and predictable.

Instead of simply thinking, “I can't read that word,” a child begins to learn:

There are patterns. There are strategies. There are things I can try.

And eventually:

“I couldn't do this before, but now I can.”

Those experiences can be powerful confidence builders.

What Can Parents Do at Home?

You don't need to become your child's reading tutor or therapist. There are simple ways to help reduce the emotional pressure surrounding reading.

Normalize mistakes.Mistakes are part of learning. Try saying, “That's a tricky word. Let's slow down and figure out what's happening.”

Praise effort and strategies—not just correct answers.Try: “I noticed you didn't give up on that word,” or “You stopped and used the strategy your tutor taught you.”

Don't make speed the goal.A child who feels anxious may rush just to get the uncomfortable task over with. Remind them: “You don't have to race. Take the time your brain needs.”

Notice progress.Children often focus on what they still can't do. Help them see what's changing: “Remember when these words were really difficult? Look at what you can do now.”

Stay curious about behavior.Instead of immediately asking, “Why aren't you trying?” consider asking, “What feels hard about this right now?”

Ask What's Happening Underneath

Sometimes one good question can tell you much more than a homework battle ever will.

Try asking:

“What goes through your mind when the teacher asks you to read out loud?”

“What part of reading feels hardest?”

“How do you feel when you see a page with a lot of words?”

“What are you worried might happen if you make a mistake?”

“Do you ever feel like reading is easier for other kids than it is for you?”

You may discover that the child who seems defiant is actually embarrassed.

The child who rushes may be afraid of being too slow.

The child who constantly asks for help may be terrified of getting something wrong.

Understanding what's underneath the behavior can change the way we respond to it.

When Is It Time to Seek Additional Help?

Some frustration is expected when children are learning difficult skills. But it's worth seeking additional support when reading struggles are persistent or begin significantly affecting your child's confidence, emotions, or daily functioning.

Consider talking with your child's teacher, reading specialist, or a qualified reading tutor if your child continues to struggle with foundational reading skills.

If it isn't clear why your child is struggling—or if difficulties persist despite appropriate intervention—a comprehensive psychological or psychoeducational evaluation may help identify factors such as a specific learning disorder, ADHD, anxiety, executive functioning difficulties, or other concerns that may be affecting learning.

And if anxiety, avoidance, perfectionism, physical complaints, school refusal, or negative self-talk are becoming significant, talking with a psychologist or other qualified mental-health professional may also be helpful.

Sometimes children need reading support, emotional support, or both.

Helping Your Child Become a More Confident Reader

If your child is struggling with reading, the goal isn't to convince them that reading isn't hard.

They already know it's hard.

Instead, we want children to learn:

Being bad at something right now doesn't mean I'll always be bad at it.

Reading is a skill. It can be explicitly taught. It can be practiced. And with appropriate instruction and support, it can improve.

When children receive effective reading instruction alongside patience, encouragement, and opportunities to experience genuine success, they can begin developing more than stronger reading skills.

They can develop a different view of themselves as learners.

Over time, “I can't do this” can become:

“This is hard for me, but I know what to do when things are hard.”

About the Author

Dr. Dana Lipsky, Psy.D. is a licensed clinical psychologist and founder of Metropolitan Psychological Services PLLC a group psychology practice in Arlington, Virginia. She has been practicing for 17 years and specializes in working with individuals experiencing anxiety, OCD, panic disorder, and mood disorders, as well as providing couples therapy.

Learn more about Dr. Dana Lipsky